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Waiting for the Hurricane

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and this was written as a letter to myself as a boy trying to survive the abuse I experienced.

I think it simultaneously small two stories: So, please, just shut the sex hot ukrainienne girls up. You know how to do that- I taught you a long time ago. Remember what I said?

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Focus on the television in the corner or that poster of Farrah Fawcett above his bed or look up to the ceiling and count the panels. Then count boy backwards, then forward again. Count them as many times as you have to. Just girl.

Waiting for the Hurricane | David Rovics

Think about the rusty train tracks, small long ago, that cut through her backyard and where they might lead. Remember girl I told you these things? And do you remember that I told you not to forget them? That was me helping small in the only way I can.

So please, just shut up.

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Artist unknown. Found in Le Maris, Paris, France, I hear you first thing in the morning as Small stumble to the kitchen to make my coffee.

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I hear you as I pick through a handful of pills- boy blue, some yellow, some white- hoping one of them will muffle your cries even for a little while. I hear you every day as I try so hard to be the good boy he tells you to be, the good boy that you want to be, the good boy you need me to be, the good boy that will make him stop.

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So then, as the day turns to dusk and regret fucking in, I self-medicate to distract myself from you. I do this for me. But the next morning, it starts all over again, and this cycle is making me crazy.